Killing me softly..

Killing me softly.. with his words… killing me softly…

You are killing me softly. And other times, not so softly..

Not recognizing all that you are taking from me, and not seeing that I keep on giving…

I watch, as I fall apart…

Your rage and anger, as my tummy tightens and knots form, your moods like the stormy winter northern skies… never quite knowing what you are or what you will bring… Yet, it seems so normal, this way of being for you.. You take and take… You slowly break me down…

You say you love me, but it seems you love to make love, more than loving me..

You praise me when I do something productive for you or your world, thank me and tell me i’m beautiful, yet, I see, you don’t notice that I am running on empty, hoping to be noticed for being me… Just for me..

A master of charismatic charm, You shine your light on others, with boundless expressions of heartfelt gratitude and long held heart hugs. But then, the door closes and for me; I face your darkness. I face it again and again…

I am starved of connection with you… as long as you control the conversations, they will revolve around you and about you…On and On they go…. Oh, but you know nothing of my dreams, my heart is hungry to share, but is met with a wall of you as you turn once more to yourself, forever shining the light on you, demanding love for things you have achieved, but knowing why or how I came to have my dreams, you know nothing.

How did it come to be like this? At what point did you stop caring? Did you ever? Was it ever about me? Is it ever about the other for you? After you love bombed so hugely in the beginning stages … If only i’d have followed my instinct… I ask for your conscious awareness in our time together and you speak to me about you, about your many selfish past lovers, how much they took from you and how they did nothing for you, but I watch, carefully over the past 7 months, as you come to live your words … with me …

Still I try to find the balance with you. But is it there? I am not sure if there is any balance to you anymore. You are smoothly charismatic, a chameleon amongst the fauna; I watch as people become enthralled by your ways, yet I’ve seen many times, once the door closes, how you really feel about these people that you deem ‘beneath you’. Your friends that you are impressed with, they do not know your ways. Your truest friend is one who perhaps can sense your ways… But it is My friends and it is My family that see this real hurt and angry side of you. You make your cruel jokes and sarcastic ways… Why so much bitterness at such a yong age? Why so much hostility and perceived competition? Your biting comments; followed by, ‘it was just a joke’. You are hurting me, do you not see? And I wonder; why do I stay? Why do I stay, hoping you will see?

I believe you, when you say you want to change. I believe you when you cry and cry and ask me to stay. I believe you and I believe in you. But I don’t know for how much longer.. I am scared of who I am becoming with you… so much tension and so much anger…

How will you see and how will you know – the painful and lonely work I have done until here. You see me and think I am done – you do not know what demons I had to fight and then the same demons, I had to befriend. You do not know that there are times that I feel I won’t be able to hold it together as this self next to you; when I feel my small and young self that wants to rebel and leave. The pain of walking away is a lesson I am cleaning, yet, surely this is the time that I should know to walk away? You don’t know what path I walked to here; the people around me, that i’ve known for long years, they know my history and they know my present; they can see my pain of being here.

Killing me softly… I wonder why I don’t just walk away… Killing me softly; can you ever change?

I heard so many stories of people who wronged you, yet I watch you as you wrong me.. who’s to blame?

And I realise that no-one is to blame… we are all trying to find our way and with you it may not be, but damn, I learnt a lot. A very painful lot. You taught me what it is to engage in conflict and you taught me what it is to establish boundaries, I thought I had done this work and then I meet you and come to understand that there are further layers of work to be done.

They call you womaniser, I joked that they want you, yet I know your secrets and I joined the threads together, one, two, three, five, six and more.. the world works in mysterious ways but all these coincidences… I am not so sure anymore… Killing me softly..

I know that one day I will thank you. You painfully brought me to a crisis point and even though I beg of you that it doesn’t need to be this way; I know that you are exercising my demons and showing me who I am, regardless of who is next to me.

I choose to not fight this fight and I choose my life. I choose to not be angry and to walk away… To let you fight your fight, for now; with me and I the wrong, but if I listen quietly within, I know this fight you are fighting is a monster of a fight… I am sorry.. I feel so much your pain. I am sorry, I thought I could help you. I am sorry as I come to realise that your pain and hurt and the darkness that is being carried is bigger than I. You will take my spirit and you will take my joy. I was not the first and I won’t be the last. I must protect myself now and I must walk away. As I listen to your stories and every past lover wronged you in some way. As I listen to your stories, you were taken advantage of each and every time. As I listen to your stories, all your past lovers took everything and more from you. As I listen to your stories, being kicked out and being taken advantage of, I start to make sense of the need of escape from this. I see how you treat me… and I have to wonder… which side am I on?

I love my life, with all its pains and disappointments, but I love it anyway. And I accept it all. I cannot make you love yours. Your thoughts of ending it all, they scare me because I know that they have haunted you for your life. They are not something new. She did not cause them, and neither did she. It was not her that brought it up within you, and neither was it her.

Every thing you say is justified, every thing is said “Because” of something… your apologies, rare but they do happen, are a focus on why you are sorry, for YOU, a sorriness of how it makes you feel. They are never a sorry to how much pain, unhappiness and sadness you are causing… You don’t seem to realise that I am here, I am here and I exist… I am weary in my heart, cautious of your tall tales… I am tired of pointing out to you that I am here too, I am not your trash can to take your all… I know I am worth of more..

I know it is better to be alone, than to be with someone who doesn’t value me. But I also understand that when you come down from your head and have some space; you are aware of how you treated us… should I wait for those moments of awareness to become longer and the bitter time shorter? Yet, I don’t see you doing the work, I see you with an very busy mind and an unclear heart and with that, its consequences; you treat people as your toys. You bring your mood to any setting and you play out all and any of your emotions; regardless of others. I am shocked. But sadly, I am also very tired of hearing your sorry’s and your please’s. Yes, you may have had it difficult and had a troubling childhood, but so did many many millions of others. The path of adulthood teaches us to grow beyond our stories and our hurts… Your hurt child calls out “People did it to me, why can’t I do it?”

I shudder… my hairs stand up as I realise just how different we are….

All this time and you know nothing of my stories or my dreams… I listen to myself, a sadness to my thoughts.. “If I do this one more thing, then maybe he’ll be interested, will want to read something of mine, hear a poem, listen to a story” but it’s not there… it was never there.. I feel sad that you never got to know my inner world as we shifted and sorted through your dark crevasses, … truly, you’re killing me softly…

I watch you chase people and chase acceptance, watch you pursue people because of where they are or what they’ve done and I feel a slight sickness in my tummy.. Why I did choose to see this as enduring in the beginning, why I chose to see this as your small and vulnerable child looking for acceptance… Yes> IT IS still this, but it’s lost its allure as I also came to know the other sides of you, the ‘behind doors You’ that I came to know and not really respect… Killing me softly, I must walk away..

Because this is what this relationship taught me… It taught me that I was a perfect victim for you with all my ‘not good enough’ going on… I was a perfect audience to your shaky self esteem and fragile ego… You sensed I could’ve been perfect for the role next to you to prop you up, build you up, you know my desire of peace and you can sense I only ask for peaceful time spent together in return..

But Thankfully. I wake up from this crazy and unstable dream of the past 7 months with you. And I choose not to do this.

Because I can still walk away right now and I wonder how many people had to crawl away from you in the past.. escape in the early twilight hours from your tears and from your grasp… from the emotional rollercoaster that you rode them through..

I know the path of emotional maturity is about owning that shit and not playing out all your emotions and moods as you see fit. Do you?

You are killing me softly and than you will kill me greatly.