I used to believe that to feel ‘good’ I must sit in my candle lit meditation room for hours at a time, incense and sage burning, often, the greater the amount being burnt, the more pain I was feeling, trying to cleanse, low chanting music in the background, scattered around are elements of nature, crystals, bells and bowls. All to aid my going inwards. I would look up to the moon, call forth the goddess’s and offer myself to their undertakings. I made myself less powerful.
As a long time meditator, as you will know when you have taken your seat on your cushion for a long time, the practice of meditation deepens and falls away, quite naturally, like the moons ebb and flow. It takes time to shed light and awareness on the deepest crevices of our minds and an even longer time for new structures of consciousness to take hold.
The sitting of meditation and what is unearthed changes over time as you meet more and more of yourself. Less the practise of sitting is about ‘feeling good’.
Nowadays, my life is my practise and I find that as I sit less, my practise is asking of me to take it into all aspects of my daily life; opening space and holding that space for others.
Not only in the ‘Spiritual Parts’. As a teacher of Yoga I found that only truly connecting to that space during classes was unnatural, my way of being held teachings in itself. My life widened and people became my practice.
Having our strong foundations means that we are not only offer ‘a healing session’, but the values and choices in how we live our lives, our principles and our people, the way we conduct ourselves becomes part of the teachings too. This is the essence of what Shantideva teaches in The way of the Bodhisattva. This is the schooling of Warriorship. Neither Feminine or Masculine. Simply A Warrior of Heart Training.
I find that after many years of taking refugee in the dharma, in the buddha, I can only take refugee in myself. The need to sit in formal meditation lessened. I am my Spirituality.
No-one can save me. No-one will save me. I am my own savior. When I used to turn to spiritual masters and loving teachers, alert and scanning for words to lessen the grip on my heart and on my mind, looking for recognition that we all pass through this, this too is also passing. I am my Spirituality.
I am no longer looking to feel good, less is the habit of my practise asking for the darkness to retreat away. No, nowadays my practise is about uncovering what I am, who I am and an embrace of all. My darkness is just as painfully sweet as is my light and I welcome all. It is through this embrace that I come to know myself in all.
I am my Spirituality.
No Dharma, Dogma, Down Dogs or Dwelling Required. I am right here.
This split between ‘doing good’ equals ‘being good’ is fading. There is no path or bridge to cross to unify these parts of mine. Right here, she is real in all her parts. Breathing Open into all that she is. Souls resonating with Love are peace, their inner quietness is an island to others.
Now I look deeply at my intention before I pick up my incenses, candles, signing bowls or mat and ask myself “What am I trying to do here?” or “What is it I am seeking here?” and if I find it is a shortcut, a way to bypass the pain of not feeling good enough, then I move beyond the feeling and access where inside of me is not feeling at ease. Which story is being activated and why. My inner knowing holds the key. My inner knowing holds the answers. I invite you to explore that; As many times, when we don’t feel good, we make that into “I’m not Good”
But my girl, You are your spirituality and the finest act of love and rebellion against these conditionings is to allow that feeling to arise. I am not looking for perfection or utopia in my world. I am looking for a realness to shine through in all that I am. My fragileness and vulnerabilities are my gifts to this world.
I am my Spirituality.
If you don’t look, you may miss me but you are not to blame, for we each are carrying our stories ,yet I cannot help you to re-write yours if you are not engaged in mine. Let us create unity instead of separation in our healing. This is the starting point for a world were we live in Unity, Peace and Harmony with each other and our Mother Earth.
I am my spirituality. Love and awareness is my Soul. People are my medicine.